Theme: #025 Smoke, (100 suju fic challenge)
Pairing Teuk/Dong friendship,
Summary. A failure. that's what Leeteuk felt about himself as he remembers all the things that happened and he had no idea about.
AU (isn't it always though, since none of what we right will ever be real life?) ONESHOT
Disclaimer If I owned Suju, I wouldn´t be writing fanfiction
Choking on RegretsA cigarrette burns, it's smoke curling out the window.
Eeteuk hadn't felt well all year, what he had wasn't life threatening, but it was soul crushing.
He was tired, and he wasn't sure how he would go on after this... perhaps the army would be a good place to evaluate where his life was heading.
He hadn't been able to solve any of Super Junior's problems, the fact was that the thirteen official members was down to ten. He was a bad leader, a horrible, negligent, untrustworthy leader.
Every time he was called Leader, Angel leader LeeTeuk, he wanted to scream, he wanted to rip his name to shreds... what special guy? He wasn't special, if he were he'd at least been able to see the problems before they came to a boiling point.
Kibum was the first to break away. He hadn't seen him leave the dorm, hadn't seen him pack up and leave them behind. How could he have missed how austere Kibum's room had become in the last month, how everything he'd once crammed his room with kept disappearing. He'd been so oblivious.
Next had been Kang In, the man who he shared his heart with, who knew what he thought and felt, the good and the bad. Who knew his pettiness and his bad temperedness, and still helped him. How could he have been so blind to Kang In's problems, to his continuous drinking. How could he have accepted the excuses? He should have supported Kang In and let him depend on him. How was he to know that the one who looked the strongest, the sturdiest was actually the weakest? The one who needed the most help? Yet he should have known.
And lastly, HanKyung...no Han Geng, their 1 in 3 million chinese member. He should have paid the most attention to him, he was the furthest away from his family and homeland. Han Geng had fought through so much prejudice to stand with them, he should have appreciated him more and stood up for him. Yet he hadn't done enough to protect his rights or his health. He should have been more understanding and he should have tried to ask as the company director for more activities outside of Super Junior for Han Geng, so that he wouldn't have felt himself segregated or on a leash.
He looked at the cigarrette in his hand and shook the ashes off.
He wondered if he was like the ashes, used up and ready to be thrown away. What use was a leader that couldn't lead?
There were so many regrets that sometimes he felt that he would choke on them.
He lifted the cigarrette to his lips, inhaled and exhaled. He remembered his first smoke, he'd thought he would die, he couldn't breathe. He felt that way now, and now only the cigarrette could let him breathe normally, it helped him keep back the choking feeling that threatened to asphixiate him every single waking moment.
A loud bang announced the arrival of a member. Quickly Leeteuk opened his window and stubbed his cigarrette. His little habit was for him alone, it was his comfort and if the other's knew they'd ask him to quit it, a good leader would, but he wasn't a good leader.
He laid out on his bed and stared at the ceiling, hoping that whomever it was that had returned would just stay in their own room. However, almost as the traitorous wish made itself known, a knock sounded at his door. Wearily he invited to person in.
Shindong poked his head in, " You were smoking, hyung."
Leeteuk looked at him silently, and said nothing.
"Lend me a cigarrette."
Leeteuk motioned him in and held out the pack to Shindong.
Shindong grabbed a cigarrette and took out his own lighter, " Hyung, we're going to die of lung cancer aren't we?"
Leeteuk shook his head, "It's better than hearing he died of regrets."
"You're thinking about our lost members, aren't you?" Shindong dropped the ashes in the trashcan as he sat with his back on the side of Leeteuk's bed.
"Hyung it's not your fault. We were all there, we lived with them too and yet no one realized the problems, no one recognized the signs, it wasn't just you,"
"Yes but you are not the leader, the one that is supposed to build trust with his members so that these types of problems won't build up and explode in our faces. And you, you also didn't tell me about Nari, until you were going to announce it to everyone. Am I not a good leader? I'm untrustworthy, aren't I?"
Shindong sighed, " I didn't want to make you an accomplice, you were having enough troubles with everyone else, I thought that I at least should not add to your burden."
Leeteuk got down from his bed and sat next to Shindong on the floor, grabbing the cigarrette Shindong was smoking and smoked from it once before returning it.
As he exhaled the smoke he started talking, "Not knowing the important things in the lives of those I am supposed to lead and care for is more troubling and depressing than being an accomplice in their lives." he looked over at Shindong and suddenly he felt just a little better having said those words out loud to someone.
"Next time please just don't leave me in the dark." Leeteuk placed his head on Shindong's shoulder, and Shindong stubbed the cigarrette and sat in silence, hearing both their breathing mesh into one rhythm.
100 Suju Fic Challenge Archive
So, is anyone watching Dr. Champ??? - Isn't uri Shin Dong so adorable as judo athlete Woo Ram?